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Contents

Cover

Title page

Introduction

Chapter 1: Where does parenting begin?

Introduction

Q1. What do you mean by the self?

Q2. Isn’t taking time for self a selfish activity?

Q3. How can I best maintain my relationship with self?

Q4. Does how a parent feels about self affect parenting?

Q5. I know I’m very controlling in a relationship. What can I do to change this defensive pattern of relating?

Q6. What does it mean for a person to establish boundaries in a relationship?

Q7. Can you explain the concept of ‘emotional intelligence’?

Q8. How can I best deal with my anger?

Q9. How do I prepare for parenting and what should I look out for when choosing a childminder?

Chapter 2: What roles do parents need to play?

Introduction

Q1. Isn’t the notion of democratic parenting a whole lot of nonsense?

Q2. How come most parenting is done by women?

Q3. Aren’t women naturally better at parenting than men?

Q4. Aren’t two-parent families better for children than single-parent families?

Q5. Are fathers capable of parenting?

Q6. Does rough-and-tumble play with fathers help children in any way, because I hate it?

Q7. My husband and I have separated and I am worried about the effects of the divorce on the children. How can I minimise these effects?

Q8. Isn’t it better for children that mothers stay at home, at least for the first three to four years?

Q9. As a working mother I face a lot of distress and demands – any tips on how I can keep stress under control?

Q10. Surely boys have to be reared in a different way to girls?

Q11. Do you think grandparents can be over-interfering in the rearing of children?

Q12. What is required for happy families?

Chapter 3: What are the skills needed for everyday parenting?

Introduction

Q1. Isn’t it enough that we show love to our children?

Q2. How important is it to hug a child?

Q3. I treat all the children the same: no harm in that, is there?

Q4. How can I best create emotional security for my child?

Q5. How can I help my child to ‘just do it’ and not be tentative, timid and unsure?

Q6. How does non-verbal communication influence how I relate to my children?

Q7. No matter what I say to my children, it doesn’t seem to have any effect. What am I doing wrong?

Q8. How can I best communicate with my child?

Q9. What are the integral rights of children?

Q10. How can I best encourage my child to take on new challenges?

Q11. Have we forgotten how being belittled as children had a devastating effect on us? It appears we have, because some of us repeat the belittling. Why?

Q12. Isn’t it true that a good spanking never does a child any harm?

Q13. How can I identify when my child is troubled?

Q14. If children learn so much through observation, is there any need to spend time on training them to acquire certain skills?

Q15. My child is adamant that ‘I can do it myself’, but I feel he should accept my help. What do you suggest?

Q16. Should children be paid to do chores?

Q17. Is it important that children experience aloneness?

Q18. Children deserve to be given toys, don’t they?

Q19. How can I best discipline children’s difficult behaviours?

Q20. What is the best way of dealing with bullying?

Q21. How is television viewing best managed in a family?

Chapter 4: How can parents best respond to children’s challenging behaviours?

Introduction

Q1. I find I lose my temper when my child keeps engaging in an annoying behaviour, even though I have requested several times that she stop it. I feel guilty afterwards. Please help.

Q2. My child has certain bad habits which drive me wild. Nothing seems to work to get rid of them. Any ideas?

Q3. How do I manage a child/adolescent who is out of control?

Q4. My child is such a perfectionist. Is this a problem?

Q5. My child shows considerable aggression. How can I deal with it?

Q6. What is the best way to deal with a child’s temper tantrums?

Q7. What can I do when my child creates an embarrassing scene in the supermarket?

Q8. How can I get the children to tidy up after themselves?

Q9. If my child is refusing to eat, what should I do?

Q10. I’ve tried everything to get my child to stop nail-biting, but without success. Any solutions?

Q11. Isn’t a child who is constantly seeking attention just a plain nuisance?

Q12. I’m cracking up with my child’s constant whining ‘I want, I want, I want’. Is there anything I can do to stop this whining?

Q13. I feel helpless when my child cries. Can you help?

Q14. No matter what I say or do my oldest child keeps doing ‘bad’ things. Is there a reason for this?

Q15. My child reacts badly to being teased: any ideas why?

Q16. Why does my child constantly lie?

Q17. My children are constantly fighting with each other and it’s driving me crazy! What can I do?

Chapter 5: How can parents resolve their own challenging behaviours?

Introduction

Q1. Why do I keep getting cross with my children?

Q2. I keep telling my children ‘for peace sake don’t upset your father’; is this prohibition a good thing to do?

Q3. Can I love my children too much?

Q4. What effect does the prohibition ‘for peace sake don’t upset your mother’ have on children’s wellbeing?

Q5. What happens when a parent lives his or her life through the child?

Q6. I’m ashamed to say that I frequently feel disappointed with my husband and children and I don’t know what to do about it. Can you help?

Q7. My husband has a serious drink problem but totally denies it and how it affects me and the children. What should I do?

Q8. As a parent I suffer from depression. How can I best overcome this?

Q9. I know I am such a perfectionist, but I find it so hard to let go of having to do everything right. What do I need to do?

Q10. I feel so ashamed of myself when I cry. What can I do to ensure that I don’t pass this shame on to my children?

Chapter 6: How can parents prepare children for living their lives fully?

Introduction

Q1. How are language skills best developed in children?

Q2. How can I ensure my child has a satisfying career?

Q3. Isn’t success the most important experience my child requires for a happy life?

Q4. How can I help my child retain her love of learning?

Q5. Why do so many children go for the average in school?

Q6. Children have different learning styles, don’t they?

Q7. My child is refusing to go to school because his teacher shouts. What can I do?

Q8. How can I help my child to feel confident in school?

Q9. How can a parent not pass on her own fears of examinations to her children?

Q10. Any idea why my child is not thriving at school?

Q11. How can I best support my child around school and state examinations?

Q12. How can I take the sting out of school homework for my child?

Q13. How can I help my child who is timid and fearful?

Q14. How does the family influence children’s learning?

About the Author

About Gill & Macmillan

INTRODUCTION

So many parents have said to me over the years that if they had any idea of what parenting really involved, they probably would not have chosen to have children. Sadly, these are parents who have honestly expressed that they were sorry they ever had children! And there are a high percentage of parents, who, while admitting the daunting challenges that rearing children brings, would do it all over again. What is certain is that the cuddly baby fantasy can quickly be extinguished by the sometimes exhausting and frustrating experiences of caring for children.

The differences in the above responses to having a family can be due to several circumstances, not least the fact that each parent, whether aware of it or not, brings his or her emotional baggage into the role of family architect. The level of personal vulnerability is often a good index of the level of parental effectiveness. It is still a fact that mothers do 90 per cent of the parenting, in spite of the fact that most mothers also work outside the home. The unprecedented rise in single parenting and the sad fact that many marriages break down within seven years are other factors that add to the stress of parenting.

To gift life to a child is a wonderful and unselfish action on behalf of a parent. The challenge arises in the maintaining of that unselfishness and the provision of a dynamic and positive home environment for the child’s realisation of self. In creating the latter, parents need to be mindful that all parenting starts with self (see Chapter One) and that attention to their own self-realisation cannot be interrupted by the responsibilities of parenthood. Managing these two relationships—with child and with self—and, where there is a two-parent family, keeping sight of the couple relationship, are sizeable tasks. Parents ask many questions on these key relationships, and Chapters One and Two present the most frequently asked questions. Other areas of concern are career, the role of fathers and the influence of grandparents.

Parenting is not an instinctual activity but rather a profession that requires each parent to understand self, to develop parenting skills, to respond constructively to the many challenging behaviours that children present and to learn from their own challenging behaviours so that their vulnerabilities do not block the emergence of the child’s sense of self. Not easy tasks, but these are skills that each parent has the endless potential to develop. Parents need all the help they can get, but ultimately they need to rely on their own wisdom, intuition, knowledge and skill. Parents need to continue to update their knowledge and skills, not only because society continues to radically change, but because the needs of and the challenges that children pose change as they grow up. There now seems to be a dawning recognition by governments that parenting is the most important profession of all, and training programmes and parent coaching are beginning to be made available to parents. To date, services have focused on crisis situations rather than prevention through the education of parents for their key role in society. There is also a developing realisation among work organisations that being person/marriage/family-friendly makes for a more contented and productive work environment.

Chapter Three focuses on essential parenting skills, while Chapters Four and Five deal with ways to effectively understand and respond to children’s and parents’ own challenging behaviours. It is in these three areas that most questions arise, particularly in the area of the difficult behaviours children may show. Parents have not been strongly supported to tackle their own challenging actions, which, inevitably, pose a threat to children’s welfare; and yet parents are unlikely to be effective in coping with children’s challenging behaviours when they are not effectively dealing with their own.

All parents are concerned with the educational and future welfare of their children and this concern is reflected in the number of parents who seek help from me and my colleagues on the educational progress of their children. The issues that arise around children’s education and future can be seen in the questions posed in Chapter Six. Parents are the primary educators and it is they, along with teachers, who need to ensure that learning is an adventure for children. However, once again, if learning and work are sources of threat for parents, they cannot be in a position to inspire their children. Parents and teachers have a responsibility to free themselves of their fears around learning so that they become sound and solid educators of their children.

It is because of the courage of those parents and children who have sought help for their difficulties that this book has been made possible. In the course of the twenty-five years that I have been helping families, there are few difficulties that I have not encountered, and the practises recommended here have been well and truly tested.

This book is meant to be a practical handbook for parents and is set out in a way that I hope is user-friendly. I would encourage prospective parents to read the book, if only to understand that parenting starts with self.